The Things I Do For My Company

Yes, recruiting would certainly present some difficulties, but they must surely pale in comparison to some of the employer-employee relations issues that undoubtedly arise, especially under the iron rule of Ernst Stavro Blofeld, the most heartless and diabolical mind of the 20th Century. I certainly don't envy his personal assistant:

Co-worker: Jenny, what's wrong?

Jenny: (sobbing) Oh it's Blofeld. He's yelling again. He said I bought the wrong cat food. And then his American Banker subscription ran out yesterday, and I called the ad rep, and she said she would fix it right away, but this morning it wasn't here again, so I had to take the helicopter into town to get one from the news stand. And I know it won't be here tomorrow either because we've only advertised with them like once, and I called our agent in Chicago who handles this stuff, but you know how worthless he is and…

Co-worker: Well, Blofeld's under a lot of pressure lately. He's got all of his hopes riding on this Propecia stuff and…

Jenny: But does he have to be so mean?

HR Girl: (breaking in) Jenny, honey, we need to have a talk.

Jenny: Am I going to get fired? Oh God I know I am.

HR Girl: Not exactly. Let's just say that you're a resource that's going to be re-allocated. Come help me feed the piranhas and we'll talk about it.

Actually, S.P.E.C.T.R.E. brass would do well to be appreciative of their admin staff, as good support would be key in many situations. Who is going to call FedEx to make sure that the ransom note was delivered on time? Or arrange team meetings? Let's face it, Blofeld is not about to messenger any serums or type up any fax cover sheets himself. It's just not a habit he wants to get started. More important, who would set up the infamous conference calls that seem so essential to each of these operations? You can just see these guys huddled around a speakerphone:

Blofeld: Hello Washington. As you can see, we were quite…hello. Can you hear us? Hello?

Righthand man: I think you cut them off when you switched over to speaker, sir.

Blofeld: Hello! Can you here me? Are you there?

RHM: Shall I dial again sir?

Blofeld: Alison! Could you come in here? I can't get this thing to work! Ooooh, Kill Bond! Now!

RHM: For once, this isn't 007's doing.

Blofeld: No, not James Bond. Ken Bond. Our client service rep for this thing. We should have never signed that 12-month agreement with them.

RHM: Sir, I've got them on the line again.

Blofeld: Alison, I can't get them on speaker.

Jenny: You have to push the button.

Blofeld: I did.

Jenny: Not that one, this one, then that one.

Blofeld: Oh. OK. (waits for Jenny to do it, thus passing on yet another chance to actually learn for himself). OK Washington. Can you guys hear us?

Wash: We can hear you, can you hear us?

Blofeld: Yes, I think we've got it now. As I was saying, we have the warhead. Transfer the 80 million in gold bullion to our account by 3 pm or we'll be forced to detonate it over New York City. (hangs up)

RHM: Sir, did you give them the account number?

Blofeld: The account number? You mean for the transfer? No, did you? God damn it! Alison! Could you call Washington and confirm that they have the account number? Thanks. And don't stay on too long, they might run a trace.

HR would not have a monopoly on unique "workplace challenges" either. Think about the daily nightmares of the accounting department: countries behind on their extortion payments, expenses billed to the wrong assassination, and revenue projections that rely exclusively on this week's scam (Well, sir. It's like this: If they cave in to our demands and pay us the $1 billion, it'll be a pretty good year. If they don't, we'll be looking at some pretty big cuts across the board). Would they hire consultants to come in and make suggestions about improving efficiency and productivity? And if so, how would you like to come in and tell these guys what they're doing wrong:

You: Well, your espionage unit did a great job of keeping costs down, but extortion was in the red again. I noticed a high volume of personal long-distance telephone calls and other non-business expenses. That kind of fat slowly kills a business from the inside.

Blofeld: You're right, that's inexcusable. (To his secretary) Have the entire department killed.

You: Whoa! That's a bit extreme, isn't it?

Blofeld: Kill this one, too (pointing to you)

You: No! I'm not suggesting mercy, I'm just saying that replacing and training an entirely new staff would be a terrible waste of resources. I think torture will solve the problem much more cost-effectively.

Blofeld: Oh, now I see your point. I knew there was a reason we were paying you the "big bucks."

You: Funny you say that. My records indicate that you have a number of past-due invoices in the Over 90 Days category.

Blofeld: Is that so? Hmmm. We'll have to send Jaws over with a check right away, won't we?

You: Uh, no hurry. Really.

Making collections calls on behalf of SPECTRE, however, would have a particularly shiny silver lining. Few threats would be considered idle with a virtual army of trained killers working behind you. "Yes Mr. Prime Minister, I understand that times are tight, but a contract's a contract. Sure you mailed the payment last week. You know, maybe if I sent Odd Job (the combination derby hat/boomerang-wielding brute from Goldfinger) over, he could help shed some light on the matter. Maybe he could find that check. What's that? Yes, he does still wear that hat, and I hear it's even sharper than ever…"

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