How Will LUSA Work?

As we learned last November, national elections can be complicated and costly affairs. A successful and orderly electoral process depends upon a high level of organization, uniformity and funding. Although the government has proven itself somewhat capable on the last count, the first two seem to be a tad beyond its reach. For this reason, we recommend turning the LUSA logistics and supervision over to the private sector.

The best way to do this is to make LUSA the next reality TV phenomenon. Doing so will not only capture the imagination (if not the attention) of the LUSA electorate but also ensure a high level of coverage from credible news outlets and allow for the kind of scripting and choreography necessary to pull this off successfully. The networks will be falling all over themselves to win the broadcast rights. In fact, FOX Network graphic artists and programmers are probably already hard at work developing commercial break intros and outros featuring futuristic fighting robots and heavy steel chimes.

We see the LUSA election unfolding in four phases:

Phase One - An open candidate solicitation in which participants are invited to fill out a questionnaire and submit it along with a home video in which the candidate explains his or her motivations and qualifications for the office of Loser of the United States of America. Candidates are also encouraged, à la The Real World, to include a segment that features some sort of degrading yet self-expressive performance. In addition, the public will be able to visit the official LUSA website and nominate individuals that they believe would make strong candidates and then lobby for their inclusion by soliciting supporting e-mails from other parties. Those receiving a predetermined number of nominations will be contacted by the 25 staff and their application process facilitated. From this candidate pool, an expert panel composed of civic leaders, network executives and, of course, 25 staff will select 12 semifinalists.

Phase Two - The 12 finalists will appear on a 90-minute television program during which they will be interviewed by a collection of the snidest personalities from both TV and radio. Each semi-finalist will also be subjected to a physical challenge determined by a vote from the studio audience and online participants. For example, points will be awarded to those who fail the challenge in the most entertaining fashion. After the interviews and challenges are completed, the studio and viewing audiences will be asked to choose four finalists for the campaign.

(The kickoff special will be followed by a special episode of one of the network's fledgling sitcoms in which one of the main characters, in a crazy mix-up, mistakenly applies for LUSA and makes it all the way to the finals, despite his objections. The cast must then pull off a complicated and hilarious caper to get him disqualified.)

Phase Three - The four finalists will then embark on an eight-week campaign for LUSA during which a camera crew will record every single moment of their existences, including everyday humiliation on the job, moments of unexpected clumsiness and frustration, disgusting grooming habits, embarrassing reactions to nightmares, and faces made while defecating. Coworkers, family members and friends will be encouraged to verbally and physically harass the candidates (but stop short of causing them serious bodily harm). In addition, the finalists will be shadowed by MTV's Tom Green, who will orchestrate and perpetrate degrading pranks on them for our amusement.

Supplementing the personal aspect of the candidates' lives will be a series of scheduled public appearances in which they will be able make their pitches directly to the electorate and after which the electorate will be able to subject the candidates to a test run by hurling derision and spoiled food products at them. A video montage of these activities will be edited each week and aired on the show, at which point the audience will be polled regarding who they think the front-runner is.

Phase Four - A 90-minute "LUSA: Decision 2001" special hosted by Andy Dick, in which the candidates go through a highlight package of the previous eight weeks, have an opportunity to address the nation one more time and, of course, are subjected to more indignities. Dick will then unveil the show's signature catch phrase: "I may suck, but I ain't no LUSA!" Beck is invited to perform his 1994 hit "Loser," which will then become LUSA's "Hail to the Chief," as it were. (Actually, Beck will decline to perform, so an All-Star Band consisting of Justin Timberlake (provided he is not a candidate), Jewel and members of Aerosmith will take his place and their rendition will become the official version of the song). After all of the hullabaloo, the critical moment will descend, and the viewers will be asked to go online and vote for the very first Loser of the United States of America in our nation's history.

Naturally, a strong marketing effort will be needed to generate the appropriate buzz surrounding the entire process, some elements of which have been indicated above. In addition to the television program, LUSA, Ltd., will also seek a number of other promotional opportunities, including:

• A contest tie-in with a fast-food chain. One hundred second-prize winners get SONY PlayStations and a copy of the LUSA home game; 25 first-prize winners receive the opportunity to sucker-punch the Loser in Chief, and one grand prize winner gets to spend a week traveling with LUSA, helping to plot strategy and act as the Pusher (more on this later). Countless LUSA hats, "...ain't no LUSA" T-Shirts, Frisbees, foam "pandy" bats and stress balls will be awarded via instant-win "peel 'n' play" game pieces attached to large and extra-large size drinks that come with whatever value meal deals the chain features.
• Candidates will also make guest appearances on other network television shows in which they are given the most demeaning role in that episode's story line.
• Late-night talk shows will also be invited to develop humiliating scenarios in which to place LUSA candidates during their appearances on the programs.
• All LUSA Office Staff will be outfitted with Humvees featuring the official LUSA seal.