Loser of the United States of America (LUSA)

In the last edition of 25, we explored the evolution of the president of the United States from icon and heroic figure to punch line, and the consequences our nation may endure as a result. Well, in a marked break from 25 tradition (the one in which we provide reams of caustic and antipathetic criticism without ever proposing any suggestions on how to address the issue that has raised our ire), we got to thinking: How can we restore dignity to the office of the president, free up our chosen leader to carry out the duties of his post more effectively and still satiate the volksgeist's appetite for a national pariah at whom we can hurl all of our ridicule, envy and hatred? And that's when it hit us. If we need a national punching bag so badly, why not do what we do to fill other important posts in society? Why don't we elect one?

So it is with great pride that 25 proposes the office of LUSA: Loser of the United States of America. The Loser-in-Chief will be elected by the American public as the person most deserving of our culture's collective ill will and bile (i.e., the biggest fucking asshole/loser in the country), and thus relieve the acting president of this onerous function. (By freeing Dubya of his double duty, we are doubtlessly ensuring that significant advances in domestic and foreign policy will ensue.)

Now, you may be asking yourself, "What idiot would want such a job?" But judging from the throngs of people who apply for the Real World, Road Rules, Survivor, Big Brother, even The Mole, and the steady stream of people parading through the sets of Jerry Springer, Jenny Jones, Maury Povich and Queen Latifah, we're more inclined to think "What idiot wouldn't?" Obviously, idiot is the key word. The fact is, there are apparently quite a few people out there who will do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING to have their miserable existences somehow publicly validated by an appearance on television (and make no mistake, that is all it takes). In this way, LUSA meets the personal needs of the potential participants, thus generating considerable interest and ensuring a consistently deep candidate pool.

Meanwhile, your prayers will be answered, America. Finally, someone will be there to soothe your psychiatric ills and make you feel better about yourself each and every day: LUSA. Taking Bill Clinton's famous catch phrase further than he ever dreamed, LUSA won't just feel your pain, but will absorb it in the form of a daily barrage of withering public verbal abuse, relentless probing and exposing of personal shortcomings, and mean-spirited "gotcha"-style pranks that maximize personal embarrassment. If you get stuck in hours of frustrating traffic on your way home from your meaningless, dime-a-dozen office job...LUSA will be there for you. If your significant other dumps you for an aerobics instructor or somebody "in sales"...LUSA will be there for you. If you lose an eye because you forgot that you were drinking with a straw...LUSA will be there for you. Even if you show up at work and realize that you forgot to wear a belt...yes, LUSA will be there for you. That's because no matter what happens, you will know that, waiting at home on the TV, or online, there is a bigger loser out there than you. So get ready, America. We're all about to move up a rung on the ladder of life. LUSA is coming.

Of course, the establishment of a national office of this nature presents a number of logistical and philosophical questions, all of which we will try to address in the following pages:

How will LUSA work?
What will LUSA do, specifically?
Why will LUSA work? (FAQ)
Nominate a LUSA

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