The Red Centre, NT

The aborigines are fucking lying. That is all I could think as my flight made its way from Melbourne to Yulara, which is the closest town to Uluru Kata-Tjuta National Park out in Australia's immense inland desert. Peering out the window at the desolate earth below, it had been almost two hours since I had seen any trace of civilization – not even a dirt road. There had been a few familiar sights at first – some property grids, an occasional zig-zagging road, an abandoned (presumably) shack or two – but then nothing. Nothing but red dirt, baked for eons into coarse cracks and grooves of enormous scale. These are the true "badlands" of this earth. Nobody ever fucking lived out here. No thing ever lived out here. No way.

Tourists don't necessarily go out to Australia's Northern Territory (NT) for the people, however. The Red Centre's principal drawing cards are Uluru, or Ayers Rock (depending on whether you speak "Abo" or "Yabbo"), and Kata-Tjuta, or The Olgas. Both are impressive rock formations that rise almost inexplicably out of the aforementioned nothingness, and are encircled by a national park that for years had been the subject of legal wrangling between the aborigines ("finders keepers") and the Australian government ("white finders keepers"). The indigenous tribe eventually regained possession of the land in the 1980s – but not before '80s Aussie rockers Midnight Oil could dash off a few chart-worthy hits ("Beds Are Burning" and "Desert Hearts") about this and similar land disputes in the NT. The Anangu tribe now manages the park in partnership with the Aussie Parks Department and benefit from the burgeoning revenues it generates.

While the aborigines own the national park, the Japanese own the artificial town that serves as the base for all park excursions. Yulara and Ayers Rock Resort are one in the same – providing the only accommodation within four hours of the park. One company designed and engineered the entire settlement and runs all but a handful of the organized activities available for purchase. Whether for beds, bus tours or bottled water, you're pretty much over their barrel for your entire stay at Uluru. The resort consists of one narrow looped road paved through the bush, with a sliding scale of luxury that begins with the Desert Sails Inn and Emu Walk Apartments and ends out in the scrub at the Pioneer & Outback Hotel – a grubby collection of cinder block four-share dorm rooms and an outdoor bar. I only spent three days at Uluru (the average stay is 36 hours!), but I made sure to fill each of them with adventurous and educational activities for our mutual amusement.


On to the Ulura Cultural Walk.