An Open Letter to the Advertising Industry
Concerning the Use of Alarm Clocks in TV Advertisements

Dear Sirs, Madams, and those deserving lesser salutation:

Most of us television viewers understand that many of television programs we enjoy are funded through the sale of advertising that you create on behalf of your clients, who want desperately to sell us their useless crap.

While this exchange of content for mindshare has at times resembled a battle (the remote control and TiVo vs. viral marketing, product placement, etc) more than a bargain, an essential quid pro quo has remained at its core: We viewers tolerate your abuses – your insulting of our intelligence, your exacerbation of and subsequent preying upon our human weaknesses, your conversion of just about every aspect of our existences into 15-30 second snippets of pornography – in exchange for your respecting some very basic rules of human decency. (More on this follows...)

We have tolerated your attempts to elevate Jared Fogle to the status of national hero when, by merely redirecting his original neuroses toward scarfing down overpriced sub sandwiches instead of more fattening fare, he has done nothing more than pull himself up into the ranks of our collective mediocrity.

We allow you to lure those of us weaker than our "hero" into fast food restaurants with burger patties "fluffed" by undercooking, "grilled" chicken breasts browned by blowtorches, pancakes soaked with motor oil, garnishes glazed with glycerol/acrylic mist, and coiling steam provided by water-soaked, microwaved tampons.

Thanks to your tireless efforts, we all know that headache, diarrhea, nausea and certain sexual side effects occur with just about every prescription drug on the market – but that the incidences of these side effects are no more common than with placebos. (Thanks are due, however, for your introducing "priapism" into the cultural lexicon; its rose has yet to wilt – perhaps because it has been hardened by the glycerol mist described above).

We tolerate your trying to convince us that Arkansas is a great place to live and an even better place to buy real estate – not to mention your keeping Erik Estrada fed in the process.

Men stand by while you reduce us to tactless, infantile, ass-scratching dullards ("guys" in your parlance) for whom light beer – light beer – provides the organizing principle of existence. Women stand by while you pair them with the most repugnant of this breed, or portray them as glistening, curvy containers themselves – there to be popped open, slugged, and tossed into the nearest bin.

We tolerate your informing us that a pickup truck full of "guys" surviving a meteor impact is a "dramatization," and your assertion that by driving a gaudy, gas-guzzling monstrosity of an SUV, we can "transform" ourselves into something other than assholes.

As we mentioned, we tolerate all of this and more in exchange for a few cardinal courtesies. Well, one, really: that you refrain from using the sound of an alarm clock in your advertisements.

Through the years this rule has gone largely unspoken and unbroken. Recently, however, a spate of increasingly brazen and egregious breeches has given us viewers cause for...well...alarm. In fact, the latest such offense, by Grey Worldwide on behalf of Manpower, Inc., features almost every variety of alarm over its 30-second duration – a heinous crime against humanity if ever there was one. (FYI: I have CC'd The Hague.)

Let us save you the trouble and the cost of convening focus groups by telling you exactly what we think of this practice: We hate it. It triggers an atavistic reaction of anxiety, dread, and loathing that immediately balls the fists and sears the brain.

Perhaps what's most disappointing about this practice is the utter lack of originality from an industry that prides itself on such. Is the use of an alarm clock anything less than an admission of defeat? An acknowledgement that, despite all the brand theory, market research, econometrics and other pseudo-psycho-scientific hoo-hah, the only way you can deliver the goods you promise to your clients is through the audio/visual equivalent of a sucker punch.

Perhaps we're being a bit harsh – but our anger springs in part from knowing that, as an industry of professionals, you are better than this. Take those Burger King ads, for example. They're funny, memorable, even a little creepy – but in a good way. Or just about any ad featuring primates. No bleating bastard alarm clocks there.

It is for this reason – the fact that you are capable of so much more – that we inform you that, beginning today, we shall refrain from purchasing any and all products that use alarm clocks in their television and/or radio advertisements. (Send this pledge to the ad industry.)

We regret that we have come to this awful place, but it is you that has brought us here – professional driver, closed course and all.

On behalf of aggravated and aggrieved tv viewers everywhere,

Michael Kooi

Take the anti-alarm pledge.
Chime in on the anti-alarm blog.
Enjoy this? Try E-mail Says a Mouthful.